So, I have been thinking recently.....
Children are innately curious. They want to explore and understand and experience the mysteries in life that matter to them. This is why children are born for unschooling. This is why unschooled kids will learn everything they could ever need to know about living and about the world. As they explore something, what they understand becomes less mysterious, so they move on to the next mystery, or further into something where they see more mystery.
When we forbid a child from something, we shroud it in mystery. Have you noticed that children gravitate toward the things we are resistant to, the things we say "no" about, the things we really don't want for them? Even if we don't say it, but feel it, they sense the big interesting space they are being ushered away from. And if they are curious enough, they want to know more.
I have noticed that in strict disciplinarian homes, the children who are the biggest "trouble-makers" are the ones who are the most curious about everything, especially the things they have been forbidden to experience. It seems to me that when we make rules, we rob the child of the opportunity for learning about that thing. Some kids are such insatiable learners that they will continue to try to learn about it, and they get labeled as "defiant" or "trouble" or something like that.
In our unschooling life, as an experience of life learning, I strive to open up to my children learning about whatever they come into contact with. Sometimes that means working through my own personal comfort with something - I am so grateful for these opportunities to iron out my own wrinkles, to more fully integrate my newer found values into my timeless self.
I ground myself deeply in my knowledge that my children can & deserve to make their own choices and bury my toes in trust that they will always follow what is meant to be their path since I live to keep their own unique selves intact. I trust the nature inside them. They come from such a healthy place inside that the unhealthy will not last long, even if they want to explore it. They are free - free to make their own choices and to learn quicker because they have less complications than I often do :)
Sometimes my fears are rooted in another issue entirely. A common one for me is I haven't provided a fulfilling enough environment, so they will make choices from a place of hunger, rather than a place of healthy curiosity. And then I remember that I worry about my choices coming from that place, but I don't really worry about them coming from that place -- their whole life has been so different from my own childhood.
Or maybe the fear is something different (a common one I hear from people) -- like a fear of allowing their child to eat whatever they want because diabetes runs in their family or something. I find trust in my child again when I remember that I cannot know why or how someone else developed their disease, especially with my own understanding of how dis-ease takes root and grows. Whoever had that disease is not my child, was probably not free to live and learn in joy and respect.
I used to want my child to make decisions from a "healthy" and "balanced" place. But I have found that, for myself, sometimes I am drawn to something BECAUSE it will bring me back to healthy and balanced. I always trust that when I am drawn to something, it will be good for me. And even if it isn't, I get over it faster when I let go of the crap that tells me it is "bad" or "unhealthy" and just get my fill. Afterall, unhealthy has no place in healthy. And something only feels unhealthy when it becomes complicated and over worried about.
What IS unhealthy anyway? That is a good question. We may be able to come up with some easy things: candy, drugs, violence, etc. But what if they were just a part of learning? I learned about a lot of things by trying them and realizing they weren't for me. Or I got my fill early and easily, so I didn't get stuck in them. The things I did get stuck in had nothing to really do with those things, and more to do with why I wanted to do them. When I can heal the reason for doing something that doesn't feel good, the thing just falls away naturally.
Maybe I see something as unhealthy, but that is my own limitation, and it has nothing to do with the actual thing or my child's experience with it. I think TV and video games are a good example of this. When I demonized them, I thought of the time they spent watching TV or playing electronic games as unhealthy, and when I let go of my issues with it and saw it for simply what it is, I was able to see my child's relationship with it, and I knew it wasn't unhealthy.
When I was seeing it as unhealthy, I was creating an unhealthy situation, too. My resistance (even though unspoken) made them more drawn to it. When I worried that they were zombified, they became more dull. Even when I tried to shift and be more proactive, by doing more of what I wanted (more outdoor activities, more TVless play, etc), it was still in reaction to a feeling that the watching a TV was unhealthy, and it didn't feel free and zen. I was worried about how their brains were developing, and I was worried they were going to learn their ABCs from a cartoon rather than "real life", and I was worried they were going to mimick the fighting and the interaction styles, and I was worried they were going to want the things they saw (toys, or to go to school).
When I let go of my fears and trusted and lived one moment to the next and observed, I found that my children used TV the way they used every other thing in their life: to bring joy into their life, to have something new to explore and play and experiment with. I saw TV as an opportunity to connect with my child -- we would watch stuff together and laugh together and play together and reenact things together. It was just another way our family had fun.
Now, I have no idea how much TV they watch or video games they play. I don't monitor them, so I couldn't tell you if it is a lot or a little, but I can tell you it varies every day, every week, every season. I can tell you there are days I wish they would watch more (because it means less mess for me or "interruption" when I am trying to do something) and days I wish they would watch less (like when we are boondocking and electricity is limited). What I can tell you is I trust whatever they want to do, and I feel so comfortable with the whole thing that I often forget that some people aren't.
Okay, so this post turned into a train of thought, but it is full of such deliciousness that I am going to leave it as is. I hope it gives you plenty of food for thought to chew on for a while :)
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| If someone says "Curiosity killed the cat", remind them the cat had 9 lives :) |
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